Wenzhou trip report: Not recommended (unless you enjoy near-death experiences)

(Imagine strolling through a charming water town... Instead, I almost got blown into a seafood hot pot on Wuma Street by a typhoon🌀) 🌧️ Weather: A Thousand Layers of Deception Forget the weather forecast! Wenzhou's weather is like a girlfriend's mood—unpredictable. ▫️ Umbrella Hierarchy: Folding umbrella < Long-handled umbrella < Raincoat. Jiangxin Islet's demonic winds laugh in the face of all umbrellas. ▫️ Bring ten packs of tissues for photos on Dongtou Island! Your lens will fog up in five minutes, giving you a blurry, Lin Daiyu-esque perspective. ▫️ June travelers, repeat after me: Waterproof shoe covers! My canvas shoes turned into boats in Nanxi River. 💡 Local Insider Tips ✅ "Typhoon-Exclusive Fun" in the back alleys of Wuma Street: During a downpour, duck into Aidengqiao Wonton Shop and listen to the owner's Wenzhou-dialect weather complaints—better than any stand-up comedy. ✅ Watch lightning at Jiangxin West Garden: Hide in a pavilion and capture the twin pagodas being struck by lightning. Post it on social media with the caption "Successfully survived the tribulation" and rake in 99+ likes. ✅ Scavenge for "drifting equipment" at Sanyang Wetland: Last time I found a blown-away straw hat. Put it on and instantly transform into No-Face from *Spirited Away*. 🍜 Food: A Game of Hits and Misses Even a 256G stomach couldn't handle this magical experience⬇️ 🔥 Shouying Pig Intestine Noodles: A dark-cuisine dish with lines even at 2 am. The intestines are as chewy as gummy candy. 🔥 The Secret Menu at Changren Wonton Shop: Add a spoonful of dried shrimp and vinegar. The umami will make your eyebrows do a "synchronized dive." 🔥 A Surprise Encounter at Xianqian Tangyuan Shop: The moment the sesame filling burst, the old man at my table suddenly pulled out a ring and recommended Zhengliang Seafood next door. ⚠️ I Took These Hits for You ▪️ Don't buy the internet-famous Dengzhan Cakes in the scenic area! The ones fried by the grandma on the corner of Renmin Road are crispy and not greasy. ▪️ For fish ball soup, go to the time-honored "Chen Hui" brand. Some shops mix flour into the fish paste, resulting in a Q-texture comparable to an eraser. ▪️ Share the Dwarf Songgao with a friend. It's so sticky your dentist will applaud your dedication. 📍 Scenic Spot Survival Guide Off-the-beaten-path adventures✨ ▫️ Night tour of Lingfeng Peak in Yandang Mountain: Shine your phone's flashlight on the rocks. The guide says it looks like an eagle spreading its wings. I think it looks more like Crazy Thursday fried chicken. ▫️ Capture "Cyberpunk" on Nantang Street: On rainy days, the neon lights reflect in the puddles. Use a wide-angle lens and instantly transform the scene into a *Blade Runner* set. ▫️ Zeya Rafting Self-Rescue Guide: Put your phone in a water bottle and then in a sealed bag. Don't ask how I know this😭 🎒 Lifesaving Backpack Essentials ✅ Waterproof phone bag: More reliable than a boyfriend, and can also be used as a temporary floatation device. ✅ Portable fan: My lifeline while climbing the steps of Daluo Mountain. ✅ Foldable foot bath: After walking 20,000 steps, soaking your feet in your homestay while enjoying duck tongues is true luxury. 🚗 Transportation: The Arena I recommend reading *The Art of War* before taking a taxi in Wenzhou. ⚠️ Be careful queuing for taxis at the South Railway Station! The pain of moving three meters in 20 minutes... Shared bikes are faster. ⚠️ Don't wait for the bus to Dongtou Island! Carpool from Oujiangkou subway station for 25 yuan per person. The driver can also double as a tour guide. ⚠️ The no-go zones for shared e-scooters are more complicated than a maze. Once, my scooter suddenly lost power near Confidence Square. I wanted to write my will while pushing it across the overpass. 🌿 Niche Healing Itineraries A treasure map secretly given to me by a local friend🗺️ ✅ Explore Wutian Old Street at 6 am: Watch the old man flip Dengzhan Cakes with special long tongs. The aroma of oil awakens the entire alley. ✅ Pine Cone Hunting Strategy in Jingshan Park: You might encounter squirrel highway robbery on the east trail. Bring sunflower seeds as a "protection fee." ✅ Late-night food stalls at Ouhai University Town: Home to the legendary lean meatball stall, as certified by the students. Add chili and vinegar for a soul-stirring spicy experience. Those who say Wenzhou isn't fun clearly haven't tried squatting on Shuomen Old Street with a bowl of almond tofu on a calm evening after a storm, watching the old men turn their chess game into a martial arts movie.